Think, im dating but not in love are
Sure, having a boyfriend just for the sake of taking cute pics on Instagram would be nice, but it's not a necessity. I am single, not dating, but unbelievably content. But who cares? Here's what nobody tells you about being single and not dating :. Too many people associate not dating with being lonely but plenty of people choose to not date when they're single. Sometimes they're not happy with their options and sometimes they're just not interested. You can tell your friends and family to stop worrying.
I thought she was cute, if not stunningly attractive.
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I was fond of her, loved her and liked to think she thought the same of me. There were little things that annoyed me, and as the years went by, they grew more and more frustrating. We were never super-keen to get married but I thought all along that it was something nice we would get around to one day. For the last 2 years or so I have been with my current partner, and it has been completely different.
We have less in common than I did with my ex, but we are so head-over-heals for each other that it almost physically hurts when we are apart for a length of time. I would marry her tomorrow if I could. Being fond of someone as you clearly are with your GF is not the same as being in love.
With me and my current GF we have had to work on making our relationship work. With my ex, things just kinda plodded along and took each other for granted. While I am good terms with my ex, I can't shake the feeling of remorse that I kept her in a nice middling relationship for 10 years when she could have used that time to find someone who would find her as incredible as I find my current GF.
I think you know what you need to do. Good luck. In my experience, the more you like a personality, the more physically attractive you find a person.
If you're not happy with things the way they are now, don't expect them to change. Either end it now or come to terms with this not being a long-term relationship. What strikes me as weird about your question is that I think most men would be sympathetic and empathetic to the pressures of women.
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So you're right to feel ashamed of thinking the way you areit's not very nice and it's not fair. You can tell her to floss or get help for halitosis. But to scrutinize her like a doll instead a person is something you need to get over, especially if she's not so hideous that you choose not to have sex with her.
Sounds like you have maturing to do, so break up with her.
Don't date women you're going to henpeck in your head. It's okay not to find someone physically attractive and to have that be a dealbreaker. Just don't tell them that's why you're breaking up with them, because that really hurts to hear.
Especially when it's something they can't control like a double chin. But I suspect it's not her legs or her chin that are the issue. I think you're just not in love, and you're really trying to find an explanation because it seems like the spark should be there, and the closest thing you can find is the physical things.
But there might just be no explanation at all. Sometimes it doesn't work. Emotional attraction does influence physical attraction, as well as tolerance of things that would otherwise turn you off or drive you crazy.
I think for you, something's just not there, and that's all the reason you need. Don't overthink it.
You're not in love with her. She deserves someone who is in love with her. End this relationship. You might think about whether making catalogues of your partners' "flaws" is a useful quality for you. I would suggest not. There is an episode of "Seinfeld" that is actually about this very thing, and honestly it's funny because it's true.
People who treat their romantic relationships like they're auditions for catalog shoots are never, ever happy. It's possible that you don't do the catalog of flaws thing, but that you just generated these things for us because you can't explain why you don't find this perfectly attractive woman unattractive.
And the thing is that there is no universal standard of attractiveness. But seriously "her legs look untoned in certain lights"?
That sounds like a model agent talking, not a boyfriend.
I think this just comes down to a lack of visceral chemistry. There's nothing wrong with that; it's just how relationships go. She sounds like a lovely woman who you do genuinely care about. Let that caring be your guide as you end things in the most respectful way possible so that you are both able to find someone with whom you share the spark.
Yeah, I'd second discopolo's advice, just because I have been that guy, the one who needlessly henpecks tiny details in my head about women, and in my case, I just needed to mature a bit in how I approach relationships and I'm older than It is tricky, I mean, for me, my last girlfriend was gorgeous, unfailingly kind, treated me super well and we had fun together, but something, that spark, just wasn't there, and I honestly am not entirely sure why.
But, whatever the case, I stayed in the relationship too long. It was unfair to her to stay with her when I wasn't sure about how I felt. I know I hurt her, and I know she knew that I wasn't as in to her as she was to me, and I'd guess your girlfriend knows this too.
She deserves to be with someone who is crazy about her and totally committed to the relationship, so it's probably time to let her go while you work on figuring this out.
Y'all are confusing "henpecks" which means "nags" for "nitpicks" which means "compulsively over-thinking details" in this thread. I know how this happens-someone has a brainfreeze and types a wrong, but sound-alike, word, and then everyone else carries on with it-but my own nitpicky brain is freaking out about it. This question made me think of the British royals - Prince Charles and Camilla. He was supposed to prefer Diana, because she was younger and prettier and virginal and whatever.
But he didn't.
Years of marriage and children and lots of public pressure didn't change that. It just made them both miserable. So I'd agree with emilyw - love is not amenable to logic - don't feel bad if you just aren't that into her. I totally agree with ellF here and it doesn't seem like an 'omg you can't stand her break up now' situation.
It sounds like you are in an adult relationship and the honeymoon period is over. IMHO as a mids guy, long term relationships involve accepting this fact of life, loving your partner for who they are and accepting that there is no such thing as perfection.
This doesn't mean you can't break up if you wanna. Just be sure you are not simply thinking the grass is gonna be greener on the other side. Sparks burn faster and hotter than most anything Much like love or even drugs; sparks give you an unbelievable feeling of euphoria and slowly over time it levels out and plateaus into comfort. It's not a bad thing to be comfortable because it comes hand in hand with stability. You are solely responsible for igniting your own fire with sparks and creating the fuel to cause it to burn as hot as you'd like.
You need to communicate as well as feel and sense how each other are feeling. Don't be afraid to discuss kissing or anything intimate because I'm sure you both want to feel as much pleasure as possible so don't half ass it.
Just take a step back and look at it from a different perspective then identify what needs to change and finally don't lie to yourself and act on your feelings!!!!
No, it IS shallow, but you should be realistic about yourself. If you're shallow like that, then you should take it into account and if you don't find her that physically attractive move on.
Oh man, this thread makes me sad. I hate to gender stereotype but as soon as I read that you were a guy and that you weren't in love with your girlfriend, I had a strong feeling that it would be for superficial reasons.
Women can be superficial too, but I think the way that men feel when they are in love is fundamentally different in certain respects - it's much more tied to the physical. It's also very common for guys to nitpick on tiny physical flaws, even when they themselves are far from perfect. Before my parents got married, my father was having some doubts about getting engaged and my mother discovered a diary where he had written down obsessive thoughts about her appearance and comparisons between her and other women my mother was gorgeous, mind you.
They were mostly ridiculous trivialities like her having slightly dark circles under her eyes in certain lights. My mother was actually a lot more attractive than my father, and it was almost as if he needed a perfect looking woman in order to compensate for his own insecurities about his appearance.
I have no idea what you look like or how you feel about your own appearance but you might want to consider whether this is the case with you. Instead of confronting my father about the book, my mother tried an experiment.
She decided she would start being more confident around him. I guess she had been a bit insecure before. Almost magically, after a few months of this, he stopped writing in the book and proposed to her. I do think that sometimes a guy's reservations about a girl's personality or his general commitment phobia can manifest as dissatisfaction with his girlfriend's appearance.
But I've also seen cases where the guy is simply superficial and it has nothing to do with personality.
Usually if this is the case, the guy is just insecure and is seeking some sort of goddess to compensate for his own inadequacies. Or some combination of the two. I do think you should break up with her, because even if the problem is your own insecurity which I suspect it isI don't think you'll be able to change that about yourself in this relationship.
It will be easier to do with someone new. I agree with pretty much everyone that you should break up with her. I do have a question, though, for you to think about - has this happened with other girlfriends? You've had a few other partners - did you find absolutely everything about them attractive? What feels different here? Also, when you do break up with her because you will eventually please, please, please do not give any of these little things as the reason, in case that's not completely obvious.
I once had a boyfriend break up with me and the reason he gave was something very superficial that I also happen to be super-sensitive about. In retrospect, I don't think it was the real reason because I had been like that when we got together and he couldn't keep his hands off me!
He also made a point to tell me how bad he felt about being "shallow" and oh my god, that made me want to punch him! Because when you say you're being shallow, what you're really saying is that you think your perception of attractiveness is objective and universal, and only a really deep, non-shallow guy would be able to find someone with those physical qualities is attractive. Which is bullshit, but also very hurtful.
So when you do break up with her, be kind. Let her know you think she's a wonderful partner and love spending time with her, but you just don't think it's right for the long term and leave it at that.
There's a reason they say love is blind.
Im dating but not in love
If you were in love with her you probably wouldn't see the little flaws or at least not see them as flaws. As others have said, I think you've got the causality wrong. It's not that you aren't in love with her because you find her unattractive; it's that you find her unattractive because you're not in love with her. I once quasi-dated someone who I thought was the bee's knees in all kinds of ways-talented, kind, fun to be around, and physically attractive.
But the attraction was abstract, aesthetic, and that spark of excitement just wasn't there. Eventually we drifted apart and found other partners to whom we were much better suited.
It's especially important that you realize that your girlfriend's physical flaws are not the reason you're unsatisfied, because if you believe you can only date people who are physically perfect you're in for a world of disappointment. Everyone looks bad at certain angles or in a certain light.
I think your plan of getting to know her better is good. You may also want to embark on a project that helps you bond together. Say, volunteering, or making art, or training for a race.
Some people fall in love more slowly than others. I don't think you need to break up with her right away, but I do think you need to make an effort to understand if you can be with her long term. Some people need "the spark", and some people don't.
Have you dated enough people and been in love enough to know which of those you are? If you have been in love, can you imagine setting aside a woman you are in love with to stay with your current girlfriend? My experience has been that if you aren't in love now, it won't get better over time. I had a boyfriend who could have described me in the way that you describe your girlfriend.
The only way to do that is to keep dating someone who seems kind and reliable, even if you think you aren't sexually attracted or that they seem a little boring. The men and women I work with who have changed their lives and found good relationships often say that they were not very sexually attracted in the beginning to their partner, but. Sep 25, There will come a moment in your life, if it hasn't happened already, where you'll realize you have stopped being in love with someone you were . Jun 08, Why am I not in love with my girlfriend? I'm She's We're 7 months in and things are fine, but sometimes I wonder if things should be better. Am I over thinking things? Is more time going to change anything? Answers based off a guy's similar .
I was good to him, but he wasn't in love with me and it made him notice my flaws more. He nitpicked at me- I slouched, I was awkward, etc etc. He is now with a woman who is probably 40lbs heavier than I am, with acne scarred skin.
From what I can tell, he adores her and doesn't see any of those things as flaws. So don't worry about whether or not breaking up with her would mark you as shallow or superficial. You don't have to be in a relationship with someone you're not into. Here's a warning: at some point in any relationship, even with someone you were madly in love with originally, love ceases to be a warm feeling and becomes a choice.
The future of this relationship and every other relationship you have or will have orbit around these choices. You're there now, you've been there, and perhaps you were there from the beginning. You've been choosing to keep going-perhaps out of inertia, but it seems like you can at least rationalize this relationship as good and worth keeping. How much do you trust your reasoning about this? How strong and self-disciplined do you think you are?
How much do you value what you have and have had? What else do you want from your relationship that you don't have now? Which regrets do you think you can live with? Talking about your families is one really great way to bond.
If your partner has no trouble opening up about their family but has a ton of excuses as to why you haven't met them yet, that can be a major sign that they're just not ready for that. A partner who likes you enough but might not be in love with you will neglect the in-betweens. A partner who likes you won't forget your birthday or your anniversary, and they may even go all out. But as House says, "If they never do the little thoughtful things that can truly make you happy each day, they're not in love.
If your partner is not in love with you but genuinely likes you, they may stay in a relationship with you because it is comfortable and you are great companions. You're able to talk to each other about anything and everything, and that's really great.
However, there might be a major element missing. Sometimes a simple conversation can get you back on track, and sometimes it will make you realize things faster. Someone who likes you enough will make it a point to text you everyday, but getting them to actually set plans and see you might be a challenge. This goes back to making you a priority. A person who is in love will put in the effort to see you as often as they can. They won't keep throwing out the "I'm busy" excuse, when in reality they're just hanging out with their friends for the third time that week.
They would choose you over others, and incorporate you into their life as much as they can. Fights and arguments are necessary in order for relationships to grow.
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There will come a moment in your life, if it hasn't happened already, where you'll realize you have stopped being in love with someone you were once in love with.
Maybe it was someone you dated briefly or for several years. Maybe it was someone you were married to. Maybe it's someone you never even dated: your best friend, someone you hadn't come out to yet, or someone who, for whatever the reason, you just couldn't be with.
No matter who it was, something will happen where you will say to yourself, "Oh, I don't feel the same about this person anymore.
I apologise, but, in my opinion, you are mistaken. I can prove it. Write to me in PM, we will talk.25.01.2020|Reply